There are no excuses.

I’m not even going to make up an excuse, because I don’t have one.
Welcome to my life. I put everything off for as long as I can. Is there a cure? Maybe. Am I going to figure out what that is? Probably not. Just being honest.

Here’s a wonderful thing I’ve discovered, however. I am going to start a real, legit blog!  I know you’re probably reading this thinking “you can’t even keep up with your FREE blog and now you’re going to get a LEGIT blog. You crazy!”
I am, in fact, crazy.

I want to write. I grew up writing all the time. I wrote poems, song lyrics for friends, short stories…and I loved it. I loved it so much I decided to go to school for Professional Writing. A part of me died those 4 years – sad, but true. A lot happened over those 4 years. So many things changed and I had opportunities I was too afraid to take. Those years should have been some of the best in my life, but I barely remember them at all.

I need to get back into writing. It’s hard and I’m scared.
I’m going to let you in on a little secret that not many people know about me, but if they took the time could probably figure it out really easily – I’M SCARED OF EVERYTHING!
Life, in general, scares the crap out of me. What if I make a mistake? What if I only have one chance and I blow it? What if I say this but really should have said this other thing instead? What if I move away but then end up going broke? What if I don’t get married and never have kids and I’m alone forever? What if I get married and have kids and I hate my life? AHHHHHH!!! Make it stop. Seriously. I’m not making any decisions or taking any chances. Ever.

Rest assured, this is something I’m actively working on. I’m trying as much as my will allows me to stop laying down and playing dead when I get scared about life’s decisions. Don’t ask me to decide where we’re going on our first date or what color I want to dye my hair – seriously – it freaks me out to decide things. I don’t want to get it “wrong”. I find it very important to put the word “wrong” in quotations like that because, honestly, who the hell decides what’s right and wrong? if I make a decision that doesn’t turn out that great then guess what? I’m not going to die. It’s not going to ruin my life. I simply won’t allow it.

All of that rambling just to say this – I’m starting a legit blog because I love writing and I want to do it for the rest of my life and I hate having a job where I don’t get to do that so I need to start branching out and not being a coward and actually doing things that will better my life and make me happy and not worrying about the possible negative outcomes. BAM.

Once a get the other blog started I will put the link here for any of you that are interested in still reading my stuff (yes, I will actually post stuff!!!!!).

Breathe in. Exhale. Repeat.

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…Rain Rain, Go AWAY

It’s raining AGAIN! Yuck.
I love the smell of rain, and splashing in the puddles with my boots on, and when everything looks all “clean” afterwards – but common now. It’s been raining for the past few days and it’s dragging me down! Last summer it rained almost every weekend, which meant I didn’t get to do much. This summer I need to do stuff. I need to go camping, and go for walks with the dogs, get a sun tan, have a BBQ. I need to NOT HAVE THIS MUCH RAIN. Rain at night time, while I’m sleeping. My sinuses are terrible and when it rains my head wants to explode. This is not fun for me. My boyfriend also works outside so he needs warm weather and no rain in order to make money. We are so broke.
Okay…complaining over 🙂

Anyways……
I’ve been having some real crazy dreams now that I’m weaning myself off my meds. They are quite vivid and sometimes very scary! I’m also noticing that it doesn’t take very long for things to go back to normal for me. By normal I mean, me being a huge bitch when I shouldn’t be. I have a really short temper again, and seem to be snapping for no reason. This is one of those things I need to continue to work on every single day. This is the reason I need to take up yoga or meditation. I need to relax. Up until now I haven’t been the kind of person who thinks before they react. I just react. I’m a passionate person, what can I say? I’m working on it. Other then that, the weaning is going well. Fingers crossed that it stays that way!

My boyfriend and I went to a BBQ at my parents house the other night and I told my mom I was going off of my medication. I’ve already told my dad and he seemed very supportive of it. My dad hates medication. My mom started to ask me all these questions about why I was taking them in the first place – as if she wasn’t there when I was in highschool and was self harming. It made me pretty angry and upset. She kept asking me why I felt I needed them in the first place. I just said “because I need them”. It’s hard to explain, especially to people that just aren’t going to get it. I was also pretty confused because when I told her I was going to start taking them a year ago, we talked about it and she seemed to understand and agree that I probably should have been on them for a long time. I’ve been depressed since I was about 17. It’s exhausting having to feel like crap almost every day of your life. Not all day, everyday – but everyday. I waited so long before going on antidepressants because I didn’t like the idea of having to be on medication in order to feel “better” (and I still don’t). I just got to a point where I was too tired of fighting it. I was too tired of denying the fact that I had a problem that I couldn’t control on my own. I had been trying to deal with things and I had seen numerous counselors that I felt I wasn’t “clicking” with, so I wanted to take a break. I wanted an easier solution. It’s hard to live like this every day, but I know that I need to be patient. I need to make a conscious effort to do everything in my power to be successful at being happy, without medication. Challenge accepted! It’s kind of a pride thing too. I feel ashamed that I can’t fix myself. I feel like I should be able to do this because I’m a strong person.

I baked this weekend. Me. Krysta. I BAKED!!! I never bake. I baked pumpkin muffins and carrot muffins. The first batch turned out pretty terrible, but I think I redeemed myself with the 2nd batches. I am on my way to becoming an adult, because I can bake 🙂 Baking is one of the things I can add to the list of things that make me happy!!!

Another thing to add to the list is SHOPPING – but I have no money. Chris and I are so very poor right now. I think I’m still in the initial shock of having to pay rent and groceries (even though I’ve done it before). It always surprises me how much we eat. Well, if I’m being honest – it surprises me how much he eats! In my last relationship where we lived together we bought separate groceries because he thought it would be cheaper for him, and because he barely ate any of the foods I ate – however, if we did eat the same meals I always bought the food for it. One of my friends who lives with her boyfriend pays for groceries every 3rd time they go grocery shopping because her boyfriend eats SO MUCH MORE then she does. I’m not too sure now how I feel about splitting the grocery bill. I want to split it, because I know that’s how things work when you’re in a relationship, right? It’s hard because I eat the same thing almost all the time. I have a routine with my eating now. When I was living on my own before and buying my own groceries it was pretty inexpensive. Now we go grocery shopping once a week and it’s killing me. We don’t buy everything once a week, but we always seem to need more food!! It’s driving me crazy! Where is it all going? We’re going to be living on the streets pretty soon, eating tuna out of the can. I feel like I’m taking on the burden of this on my own. Chris works with his Dad and they operate a Concrete Construction business in town. They make pretty good money – when they are working. Like I said earlier, it’s been raining a lot, so they can’t work. They also only work during the spring and summer months, so he needs to make 12 months of a salary in 6 months time. He went on unemployment this winter for the first time. He usually worked another job in the winter, but he really hated it, so I supported his decision (…okay, I influenced his decision) to quit. Unemployment wasn’t paying him all that well, and he didn’t seem to mind. He never expressed any interest in finding other work for his down time. I’m trying to do the best I can to make extra money. I’m not an Independent Consultant for PartyLite Canada and I’m trying my best to make some extra cash from that. I don’t feel he’s making the same effort. I’m afraid to bring it up because I don’t know if it’s a reasonable thing to ask him, to get another job. I don’t want him working 70 hour work weeks or anything, but if he had some other income coming in that would be SO MUCH HELP. Especially since we want to buy a house sometime in the near future. Maybe I’ll wait until he’s in a really good mood, and bring it up then. Being an adult sucks sometimes.

 

Crayons & Colouring Books

Being an adult sucks sometimes.
Don’t get me wrong, I like working hard for what I have, and living on my own (I will be again soon anyways), and going grocery shopping, and work is awesome sometimes…but there are times when I just want to scream, and then go in the corner and play with Barbie’s.
There never seems to be enough money to go around. There’s money for rent, groceries, utilities, entertainment, gifts, medical expenses, donations, savings, etc … it never ends! It always seems to come at once too. My boyfriend and I found an apartment we want to rent, so we need to buy a couch, and a washer and dryer. I’m also in my sister’s wedding, so I need to pay for my bridesmaid dress. I got a new prescription for my glasses, so I need to buy those. Argh!
Don’t even get me started on the panic that starts to set in when you’re not married or planning on having kids soon. I was the type of teenager who planned my future (BIG mistake). I wanted to be married by the time I was 20(ish) and have babies by the time I was 25. Then I turned 22 and wasn’t close, so I changed it married by 25 and kids by 28. Now I’m 26 and starting to panic. I know people tell me all the time that I’m still young and I have my whole life ahead of me still, and I should travel and be worry free for as long as I can – but I’m one of those ladies that was meant to be a mom. I want kids. I want lots of kids. I want to be a mom. I feel like I had such amazing examples of what parents should be and now I want to be that. I spent so much time with my Nonna when I was younger and I saw how much she loved her kids and grandkids and I want that for myself. I don’t want to wait until I’m 35 to have kids and then only be able to have 1 or 2. I want the sky to be the limit. I want to fill my life with love.
I know, I know …. slow the hell down.
I’m starting to learn to have patience. I’m taking steps day by day to make sure I don’t rush things because if it wasn’t mean to be it’ll just backfire in my face anyways and that will be horrible. My boyfriend and I have talked about potentially being together “forever” and if we both wanted to get married and have children. We seem to be on the same page, but he likes to worry and doubt his feelings, whereas I just take a leap of faith. I can’t push him to do things he’s not ready for, but he can’t also expect me to wait forever, right? It’s just a hard debate.
All in good time ….

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