There are no excuses.

I’m not even going to make up an excuse, because I don’t have one.
Welcome to my life. I put everything off for as long as I can. Is there a cure? Maybe. Am I going to figure out what that is? Probably not. Just being honest.

Here’s a wonderful thing I’ve discovered, however. I am going to start a real, legit blog!  I know you’re probably reading this thinking “you can’t even keep up with your FREE blog and now you’re going to get a LEGIT blog. You crazy!”
I am, in fact, crazy.

I want to write. I grew up writing all the time. I wrote poems, song lyrics for friends, short stories…and I loved it. I loved it so much I decided to go to school for Professional Writing. A part of me died those 4 years – sad, but true. A lot happened over those 4 years. So many things changed and I had opportunities I was too afraid to take. Those years should have been some of the best in my life, but I barely remember them at all.

I need to get back into writing. It’s hard and I’m scared.
I’m going to let you in on a little secret that not many people know about me, but if they took the time could probably figure it out really easily – I’M SCARED OF EVERYTHING!
Life, in general, scares the crap out of me. What if I make a mistake? What if I only have one chance and I blow it? What if I say this but really should have said this other thing instead? What if I move away but then end up going broke? What if I don’t get married and never have kids and I’m alone forever? What if I get married and have kids and I hate my life? AHHHHHH!!! Make it stop. Seriously. I’m not making any decisions or taking any chances. Ever.

Rest assured, this is something I’m actively working on. I’m trying as much as my will allows me to stop laying down and playing dead when I get scared about life’s decisions. Don’t ask me to decide where we’re going on our first date or what color I want to dye my hair – seriously – it freaks me out to decide things. I don’t want to get it “wrong”. I find it very important to put the word “wrong” in quotations like that because, honestly, who the hell decides what’s right and wrong? if I make a decision that doesn’t turn out that great then guess what? I’m not going to die. It’s not going to ruin my life. I simply won’t allow it.

All of that rambling just to say this – I’m starting a legit blog because I love writing and I want to do it for the rest of my life and I hate having a job where I don’t get to do that so I need to start branching out and not being a coward and actually doing things that will better my life and make me happy and not worrying about the possible negative outcomes. BAM.

Once a get the other blog started I will put the link here for any of you that are interested in still reading my stuff (yes, I will actually post stuff!!!!!).

Breathe in. Exhale. Repeat.

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I am the worst.

I really am the worst.

I said I would blog and I haven’t. In all fairness, my life has been a bit crazy lately. Of course I’m over exaggerating a bit – but let me explain.

I’m single. That rocked my world to the core. It changed who I was, for the better. I’m a totally different person. I was miserable for way too long with no acceptable excuse for it. I will never be like that again. I’m not going to get into too much detail about it, at least not right now, but I had fallen into a huge hole (not just because of the breakup), and I am currently climbing out of it. Starting to write in this blog again is one way of me bouncing back. Hopefully better than before.

I bought a new laptop. I can’t wait until it shows up on my door. It’s a Dell XPS 13. I’m hoping this will give me the extra boost I need to be more active in the writing world. I’m going to be one of those writers that drink too much caffeine and spend their Friday nights at local places with free wifi. I’M SO EXCITED!!!

I need to make a list of all the things I’m going to do differently now. I’m one of those anal people that needs to PLAN EVERYTHING. I’m also one of those people that doesn’t commit to things she starts. Ooops. Let’s have faith in me this time, shall we?

xoxo

Cutting Loose

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I’ve decided that it’s time for me to stop taking my antidepressants.
I’ve been taking Venlafaxine (Effexor) for almost a year now. I don’t have any HUGE complaints about it. Overall its been pretty good. I just think I’m one of those lucky people that doesn’t have any crazy reactions to medications. Even when I first started taking it I never experience any nausea, headaches (more then usual), or things like that. The only two areas it has negatively effected me is my weight (I’m almost 95% positive this is to blame), and some “intense” feelings. I’ve read really horrible things about the withdrawal from this medication. Horrible, horrible things. I’m hoping because I’m on a low dose it won’t be too bad.
I’ve been doing some research on the drug and found that a lot of people have complained that it effected their weight. It’s not a type of antidepressant that typically effects it drastically, but there are still cases of course. Since being on the drug I’ve been way more sensitive to certain kinds of foods, and have been retaining water like crazy. I’ve gained about 25 pounds since starting on Venlafaxine, and haven’t changed my eating or exercise habits drastically to cause the weight gain.
There are also times where I feel like I’m sort of having an out of body experience. Everything slows down and seems very unreal (if that makes any sense at all). I also feel as if it has taken all my feelings away. I have emotions, don’t get me wrong, but they are very short lived. My brain seems to be moving a million miles a minute that I don’t have time to process anything properly – everything just is what it is and I go on with my life. That’s not exactly a bad thing, but I would definitely like to get some feeling back into my life.
Overall, I just don’t want to be on any medications anymore. I stopped talking oral contraceptives about a year ago, after being on them for 9 years, because I didn’t want something controlling my body. I was stopping a natural production, and I didn’t feel comfortable with that anymore. I don’t like the idea of drugs anymore. I don’t want anything “artificial” in my system, telling my body what to do or how to act. I’m worried about how this is going to effect my mood though. I’m not going to lie, I’m quite the moody person. I also suffer from anxiety, which has been a relief not to have to deal with since taking my meds. I need to do everything possible to deal with my depression and anxiety without medication.
My boyfriend is a little worried about the outcome as well. Don’t get me wrong, I know he’ll love me through thick and thin – but it’s probably going to get difficult. I’m sure there will be a time period where I’m very overwhelmed, and very irritable. One of the reasons I finally decided to go on antidepressants was because of the way I was acting towards some of my friends and family. I had this horrible attitude that I shouldn’t have had towards them. For no reason I always felt negative and felt like everyone was to blame. I didn’t want to talk and open up, I just wanted to be a bitch to get everyone to leave me alone. It’s going to be hard to adjust at first.
I already exercise and eat well, so that’s one thing that will help me a lot. I’m booking an appointment with a counselor very soon, so that I’m still going to take care of my mood, I’m researching more into massage therapy and acupuncture to help with depression and relaxation, since I have coverage for them through my work, and I’m going to start attending yoga classes at my gym. 
I need to make it my goal, every morning, to be happy. It’s going to be difficult, but I’m confident that I will get this depression under control without using medications.
Wish me luck!