There are no excuses.

I’m not even going to make up an excuse, because I don’t have one.
Welcome to my life. I put everything off for as long as I can. Is there a cure? Maybe. Am I going to figure out what that is? Probably not. Just being honest.

Here’s a wonderful thing I’ve discovered, however. I am going to start a real, legit blog!  I know you’re probably reading this thinking “you can’t even keep up with your FREE blog and now you’re going to get a LEGIT blog. You crazy!”
I am, in fact, crazy.

I want to write. I grew up writing all the time. I wrote poems, song lyrics for friends, short stories…and I loved it. I loved it so much I decided to go to school for Professional Writing. A part of me died those 4 years – sad, but true. A lot happened over those 4 years. So many things changed and I had opportunities I was too afraid to take. Those years should have been some of the best in my life, but I barely remember them at all.

I need to get back into writing. It’s hard and I’m scared.
I’m going to let you in on a little secret that not many people know about me, but if they took the time could probably figure it out really easily – I’M SCARED OF EVERYTHING!
Life, in general, scares the crap out of me. What if I make a mistake? What if I only have one chance and I blow it? What if I say this but really should have said this other thing instead? What if I move away but then end up going broke? What if I don’t get married and never have kids and I’m alone forever? What if I get married and have kids and I hate my life? AHHHHHH!!! Make it stop. Seriously. I’m not making any decisions or taking any chances. Ever.

Rest assured, this is something I’m actively working on. I’m trying as much as my will allows me to stop laying down and playing dead when I get scared about life’s decisions. Don’t ask me to decide where we’re going on our first date or what color I want to dye my hair – seriously – it freaks me out to decide things. I don’t want to get it “wrong”. I find it very important to put the word “wrong” in quotations like that because, honestly, who the hell decides what’s right and wrong? if I make a decision that doesn’t turn out that great then guess what? I’m not going to die. It’s not going to ruin my life. I simply won’t allow it.

All of that rambling just to say this – I’m starting a legit blog because I love writing and I want to do it for the rest of my life and I hate having a job where I don’t get to do that so I need to start branching out and not being a coward and actually doing things that will better my life and make me happy and not worrying about the possible negative outcomes. BAM.

Once a get the other blog started I will put the link here for any of you that are interested in still reading my stuff (yes, I will actually post stuff!!!!!).

Breathe in. Exhale. Repeat.

I am the worst.

I really am the worst.

I said I would blog and I haven’t. In all fairness, my life has been a bit crazy lately. Of course I’m over exaggerating a bit – but let me explain.

I’m single. That rocked my world to the core. It changed who I was, for the better. I’m a totally different person. I was miserable for way too long with no acceptable excuse for it. I will never be like that again. I’m not going to get into too much detail about it, at least not right now, but I had fallen into a huge hole (not just because of the breakup), and I am currently climbing out of it. Starting to write in this blog again is one way of me bouncing back. Hopefully better than before.

I bought a new laptop. I can’t wait until it shows up on my door. It’s a Dell XPS 13. I’m hoping this will give me the extra boost I need to be more active in the writing world. I’m going to be one of those writers that drink too much caffeine and spend their Friday nights at local places with free wifi. I’M SO EXCITED!!!

I need to make a list of all the things I’m going to do differently now. I’m one of those anal people that needs to PLAN EVERYTHING. I’m also one of those people that doesn’t commit to things she starts. Ooops. Let’s have faith in me this time, shall we?

xoxo

I’m such a Libra

There is way too much information on the internet. I can’t stop looking at it.

I need a weight loss program, but there are SO MANY OF THEM! Here are the options I’m looking at right now:

1) Jamie Eason’s Live Fit Trainner
I attempted this program a few years ago. I followed the exercise routine, but wasn’t following the nutrition aspect. I has just finished working with a personal trainer at my gym and I had amazing results – I just needed something to keep me going at the gym. I made it to Phase 2 before I puled a muscle, which made some of the exercises impossible for me to do. I felt like this was a pretty good program, except the workouts took a huge portion of my time (i guess I’m just slow??). I also didn’t finish work until 5:30, then I went to the gym for an hour and a half, then needed to make dinner and entertain my dog. It didn’t work out for me. Looking at it again now though, it seems like it could fit better in my life and I could follow it more closely with my boyfriend.

2) T-25 or other workout DVD
I have the T-25 workouts at home, and have tried a few of them, but was not a huge fan. It is VERY convenient that these workouts are 25 minutes long and I can do them at home. I think that is the biggest plus. I didn’t fall in love with the videos however because I didn’t “feel it” as much as I thought I would. I’m also not a huge fan of working out at home because I love the gym feel (minus being embarrassed to see my old trainer since i gained 45 pounds since working with him). I also have some Biggest Loser DVD’s that I use sometimes and I do enjoy those.

3) MyDreamShape.com
This girl has an amazing blog with different workouts each day, along with recipes, tips, workout songs, etc. They look pretty simple to follow and I have done a few of them in the past and enjoyed them.

4) My own mix of everything
Lately I’ve been doing a mix of cardio (either sprints or HIIT on the elliptical [i like how easy it is on my knees]). I’m not sure how effective this will work. I am watching what I’m eating and trying to get back in the routine I was in before when I lost 30 pounds. It’s a lot easier said than done. I also lost this weight with a personal trainer, but the workouts he was getting me to do weren’t rocket science – basically if I sweat and got my heart rate up, it was effective.

I just need to make a decision and stick to it, right? I just want to make sure I pick the *right* thing, as if there really is a right and wrong decision here. Whatever I pick it’s going to challenge me, which will result in a change!

Hopefully I’ll decide what program I want to follow by Monday and then I can start a brand new week with a brand new me! Until then I’m just going to continue my mix of everything, to keep me in the routine of working out and eating healthier.

xoxo

Blood is thicker than water

My dad’s side of the family is super close.
My dad has two siblings – one brother and one sister. They are both married and have 3 kids. 5 of those 6 kids are married. 2 of those kids have 3 kids, the other 3 kids have 2 kids. I have one sister, who has a fiance. I have a big family. We are also a very close family. 5 of us live within walking distance of each other. We get together for every holiday, every occasion, and sometimes we get together just because. I’m the youngest of my cousins, and I used to love the attention I got. When I was really young everybody wanted to include me because I was the youngest, then as we all got older I was included less because I was still young. At family get togethers I wouldn’t understand what everybody was talking about. Then my cousins started getting married and having kids, so all the discussion was based on weddings and baby diapers. This has continued for some time now. It’s almost inevitable that I’m the one left out for the longest amount of time. I still love my family. They are so unbelievably supportive of me and everything I do. They will always be there for me. I am so grateful that I have such amazing examples of what life has to offer me. However – I don’t feel as family oriented anymore.

My mom’s side of the family is all over the map and barely speaks to each other. They aren’t mad at each other or anything, they just aren’t the family type. One of my mom’s sisters even lives in town and we never see her. My sister isn’t even inviting some of my mom’s family to the wedding (not to be a rude, that’s just how little we see them).

I feel a tug between which kind of family I want. I feel ashamed that I’m even writing that sentence. Having a close family is amazing, and I appreciate them and love them very much – but what’s so wrong with only seeing your family every once in awhile?

I think most of that happened when I moved away for school. I didn’t get to see my family all the time. I almost forgot what it was like. I didn’t have the choice to see them, I had to make my own way and make my own home away from home. It also became very apparent that my family wasn’t the norm. There are plenty of family’s that don’t see each other often and don’t even spend the holidays together. Regardless of how often I see my family I’m still going to drop everything if they need me. I’m still going to periodically reach out and make sure they know how much I care.

I’m curious about this now because in the next few years (hopefully) I’ll be starting my own family. I’ll be getting married, and having kids. What kind of family do I want to start? Do I want my kids to be on the same soccer team as their cousins? go to the same school as them? Have sunday dinner’s with the grandparents? Send school photos in gift cards to family members?

I’m not sure.

I feel like this is coming off the wrong way, but I don’t want it to. I will say again – I love my family. I appreciate them. I would do anything for them. But should I feel bad because I don’t want to include them so much, or start my own path that doesn’t always lead back to them?

What do you think?

 

xoxo

1st post – drum roll please ….

Day #1 of my blogging adventure begins.
Actually, if we’re being technical, Day #1 would have been when I signed up – which was a random thought at 1 am. Nevertheless, this is DAY #1

I feel like it’s important to say, no matter what posts after this say – I am happy. I am very happy actually. I am a 26 year old, happy, somewhat successful, have no real plan for the future, girl. Yippee!! I deserve to give myself a big pat on the back for who I am today. I have recovered from hitting rock bottom. I am very grateful for everything in my life and everyone that surrounds me.

With that being said … I still have my moments. I still get scared my life is never going to start in the direction I want it to. Big deal. It happens to the best of us. I just gotta keep on going. Yippee again!

Over the past few months so many things have been changing for me – I met an amazing guy that makes my heart melt, got a new job that could very well turn into a career (and started to be an independent consultant on the side), I mended an old friendship, moved twice & planning another move in three weeks … I’ve been busy.

This is a start of a wonderful thing. I can feel it! =)