Silly Girl

It’s October!
October is my favorite month. It’s my birthday, the weather is getting nice and crisp, the leaves are changing colors, it’s time to start making stew and chilli – EXCELLENT! I LOVE AUTUMN! I LOVE OCTOBER!

Here are a few things I have planned for my October:

I celebrated my 27th day of birth. It was scary. I hate getting older. I always get the feeling I’m not on track with my life. I found a quote online recently that has started to change my mind
“Don’t look back, you’re not going that way.”  I LOVE IT. It is straight to the point and makes so much sense. ONWARD WE GO!

I celebrated Thanksgiving, with 2 thanksgiving dinners. They were both very yummy. Chris and I went to his parents house first, and then we swung by my cousins for our HUGE family dinner, where we ate our dessert. My family and Chris’ family are totally different. His extended family doesn’t get together very often, whereas my extended family (on my dad’s side) get together all the time – the majority of us even live within walking distance of each other. Chris’ parents told us dinner would be at 5:00pm, so we took the dogs to the dog park for a bit first so they wouldn’t be as excited during dinner (that didn’t happen), and we got to his parents house at 5:09pm – everybody has already ate dinner. Without us. I thought the point of having a family thanksgiving dinner was so we could have a FAMILY THANKSGIVING DINNER!! Oh well. It’s just how his family operates. It’s a shame though because it makes me feel less inclined to want to want to communicate with them, or get together with them when they don’t even want to be “together” with the family. Strange. My family dinner’s are scheduled for 5:30pm and we wait until 6:30pm for everybody to get there so we can eat. To each their own.

I’ve decided to participate in NaNoWriMo this year. I am super excited and super scared. I’m trying to come up with a plot, which has never been my strong suit. We’ll see how it goes this year. I hope to finish the 50,000 words. That means I need to make a plan of action!! I need to determine how many hours a day I’m going to write for a WRITE FOR THOSE HOURS. I must learn to follow through.

I’ve started writing in a food/exercise journal (read: I bought a journal designated to writing about food/exercise). I need to commit to losing weight and being more healthy. I’ve had enough of this self loathing garbage. It’s time to love my body again, which means treating it well! I’m going to start doing weekly weigh-in’s on this blog, because how else am I supposed to be accountable? Once again, I must learn to follow through.

I have my Halloween costume 🙂 I am going to be a vampire and Chris is going to be a zombie. We are going to be a bloody mess together – YAY! A friend of ours is having a Halloween party on the 31st and then we are going to a Halloween Shag (most people call them stag and doe’s – I think…) on November 1st, which is Halloween themed of course. It’s going to be super fun. Chris and I were going to host our own Halloween party, but decided against it, since there would only be about 5 people in attendance ( we are loners…)

That is pretty much all the randomness in my life right now.
xxx

…Rain Rain, Go AWAY

It’s raining AGAIN! Yuck.
I love the smell of rain, and splashing in the puddles with my boots on, and when everything looks all “clean” afterwards – but common now. It’s been raining for the past few days and it’s dragging me down! Last summer it rained almost every weekend, which meant I didn’t get to do much. This summer I need to do stuff. I need to go camping, and go for walks with the dogs, get a sun tan, have a BBQ. I need to NOT HAVE THIS MUCH RAIN. Rain at night time, while I’m sleeping. My sinuses are terrible and when it rains my head wants to explode. This is not fun for me. My boyfriend also works outside so he needs warm weather and no rain in order to make money. We are so broke.
Okay…complaining over 🙂

Anyways……
I’ve been having some real crazy dreams now that I’m weaning myself off my meds. They are quite vivid and sometimes very scary! I’m also noticing that it doesn’t take very long for things to go back to normal for me. By normal I mean, me being a huge bitch when I shouldn’t be. I have a really short temper again, and seem to be snapping for no reason. This is one of those things I need to continue to work on every single day. This is the reason I need to take up yoga or meditation. I need to relax. Up until now I haven’t been the kind of person who thinks before they react. I just react. I’m a passionate person, what can I say? I’m working on it. Other then that, the weaning is going well. Fingers crossed that it stays that way!

My boyfriend and I went to a BBQ at my parents house the other night and I told my mom I was going off of my medication. I’ve already told my dad and he seemed very supportive of it. My dad hates medication. My mom started to ask me all these questions about why I was taking them in the first place – as if she wasn’t there when I was in highschool and was self harming. It made me pretty angry and upset. She kept asking me why I felt I needed them in the first place. I just said “because I need them”. It’s hard to explain, especially to people that just aren’t going to get it. I was also pretty confused because when I told her I was going to start taking them a year ago, we talked about it and she seemed to understand and agree that I probably should have been on them for a long time. I’ve been depressed since I was about 17. It’s exhausting having to feel like crap almost every day of your life. Not all day, everyday – but everyday. I waited so long before going on antidepressants because I didn’t like the idea of having to be on medication in order to feel “better” (and I still don’t). I just got to a point where I was too tired of fighting it. I was too tired of denying the fact that I had a problem that I couldn’t control on my own. I had been trying to deal with things and I had seen numerous counselors that I felt I wasn’t “clicking” with, so I wanted to take a break. I wanted an easier solution. It’s hard to live like this every day, but I know that I need to be patient. I need to make a conscious effort to do everything in my power to be successful at being happy, without medication. Challenge accepted! It’s kind of a pride thing too. I feel ashamed that I can’t fix myself. I feel like I should be able to do this because I’m a strong person.

I baked this weekend. Me. Krysta. I BAKED!!! I never bake. I baked pumpkin muffins and carrot muffins. The first batch turned out pretty terrible, but I think I redeemed myself with the 2nd batches. I am on my way to becoming an adult, because I can bake 🙂 Baking is one of the things I can add to the list of things that make me happy!!!

Another thing to add to the list is SHOPPING – but I have no money. Chris and I are so very poor right now. I think I’m still in the initial shock of having to pay rent and groceries (even though I’ve done it before). It always surprises me how much we eat. Well, if I’m being honest – it surprises me how much he eats! In my last relationship where we lived together we bought separate groceries because he thought it would be cheaper for him, and because he barely ate any of the foods I ate – however, if we did eat the same meals I always bought the food for it. One of my friends who lives with her boyfriend pays for groceries every 3rd time they go grocery shopping because her boyfriend eats SO MUCH MORE then she does. I’m not too sure now how I feel about splitting the grocery bill. I want to split it, because I know that’s how things work when you’re in a relationship, right? It’s hard because I eat the same thing almost all the time. I have a routine with my eating now. When I was living on my own before and buying my own groceries it was pretty inexpensive. Now we go grocery shopping once a week and it’s killing me. We don’t buy everything once a week, but we always seem to need more food!! It’s driving me crazy! Where is it all going? We’re going to be living on the streets pretty soon, eating tuna out of the can. I feel like I’m taking on the burden of this on my own. Chris works with his Dad and they operate a Concrete Construction business in town. They make pretty good money – when they are working. Like I said earlier, it’s been raining a lot, so they can’t work. They also only work during the spring and summer months, so he needs to make 12 months of a salary in 6 months time. He went on unemployment this winter for the first time. He usually worked another job in the winter, but he really hated it, so I supported his decision (…okay, I influenced his decision) to quit. Unemployment wasn’t paying him all that well, and he didn’t seem to mind. He never expressed any interest in finding other work for his down time. I’m trying to do the best I can to make extra money. I’m not an Independent Consultant for PartyLite Canada and I’m trying my best to make some extra cash from that. I don’t feel he’s making the same effort. I’m afraid to bring it up because I don’t know if it’s a reasonable thing to ask him, to get another job. I don’t want him working 70 hour work weeks or anything, but if he had some other income coming in that would be SO MUCH HELP. Especially since we want to buy a house sometime in the near future. Maybe I’ll wait until he’s in a really good mood, and bring it up then. Being an adult sucks sometimes.

 

1st post – drum roll please ….

Day #1 of my blogging adventure begins.
Actually, if we’re being technical, Day #1 would have been when I signed up – which was a random thought at 1 am. Nevertheless, this is DAY #1

I feel like it’s important to say, no matter what posts after this say – I am happy. I am very happy actually. I am a 26 year old, happy, somewhat successful, have no real plan for the future, girl. Yippee!! I deserve to give myself a big pat on the back for who I am today. I have recovered from hitting rock bottom. I am very grateful for everything in my life and everyone that surrounds me.

With that being said … I still have my moments. I still get scared my life is never going to start in the direction I want it to. Big deal. It happens to the best of us. I just gotta keep on going. Yippee again!

Over the past few months so many things have been changing for me – I met an amazing guy that makes my heart melt, got a new job that could very well turn into a career (and started to be an independent consultant on the side), I mended an old friendship, moved twice & planning another move in three weeks … I’ve been busy.

This is a start of a wonderful thing. I can feel it! =)