I am the worst.

I really am the worst.

I said I would blog and I haven’t. In all fairness, my life has been a bit crazy lately. Of course I’m over exaggerating a bit – but let me explain.

I’m single. That rocked my world to the core. It changed who I was, for the better. I’m a totally different person. I was miserable for way too long with no acceptable excuse for it. I will never be like that again. I’m not going to get into too much detail about it, at least not right now, but I had fallen into a huge hole (not just because of the breakup), and I am currently climbing out of it. Starting to write in this blog again is one way of me bouncing back. Hopefully better than before.

I bought a new laptop. I can’t wait until it shows up on my door. It’s a Dell XPS 13. I’m hoping this will give me the extra boost I need to be more active in the writing world. I’m going to be one of those writers that drink too much caffeine and spend their Friday nights at local places with free wifi. I’M SO EXCITED!!!

I need to make a list of all the things I’m going to do differently now. I’m one of those anal people that needs to PLAN EVERYTHING. I’m also one of those people that doesn’t commit to things she starts. Ooops. Let’s have faith in me this time, shall we?

xoxo

Friday is my second favorite “F” word!

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Success!!!!! I made it to the end of the week.I only napped 3 days this week. That’s almost a record for me – yesss!!!

I’m hoping this weekend is more funfilled. Tonight Chris and I are going for dinner and then to a movie. I’m excited. It feels like I haven’t been on a movie date with him in a long time. Tomorrow we might get up early and go to the Farmer’s Market. I actually wouldn’t mind checking out some yard sales this week 🙂 It would be nice to get some cheap finds and then do some DIY projects to decorate our apartment. Our apartment looks so plain. There is nothing on the walls and very minimal “decor”. I feel like I can’t get too decorative since we’re only going to be at the apartment for a little over a year (hopefully), then we’ll be buying a house. It was like that for me for the past 7 years! I haven’t been able to “nest” in forever! First I was living in residence at the University, then there was the apartment with my ex, then back to my parents house, then living in my Nonna’s old house, then moving in with a friend, then back to my parents house, and NOW the apartment with Chris. Wow, I moved quite a bit.

Saturday night I’m hoping to go out with the girls for drinks and dancing. I miss getting dressed up and going out. Most of my friends have husbands and babies, so it’s harder to plan a night out. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that they find babysitters or that their husbands are in a good mood and want to watch the kids so we can have a good time. I’m too antisocial now. Since I got a new job last summer I don’t really talk to many people during the day. My office is in the back of our building, so there is very little interaction for me. For 3 years I used to work at a job that required me to talk to so many different people all day long. That’s pretty much the only thing I loved about that job – everything else was pretty shitty. After I go home from work I pretty much just eat dinner, exercise, and go to bed. Very little social activities going on there. Is this what growing up is like? I barely remember my mom ever going out after work or on the weekends. I need to get a social hobby….immediately!! I remember when going out with my friends was the most entertaining thing I could do. Now it seems like laying down and watching TV with my dog is the most I’m willing to do. I’m so boring – or I’m getting old.

Cheers to a good weekend!

 

…Rain Rain, Go AWAY

It’s raining AGAIN! Yuck.
I love the smell of rain, and splashing in the puddles with my boots on, and when everything looks all “clean” afterwards – but common now. It’s been raining for the past few days and it’s dragging me down! Last summer it rained almost every weekend, which meant I didn’t get to do much. This summer I need to do stuff. I need to go camping, and go for walks with the dogs, get a sun tan, have a BBQ. I need to NOT HAVE THIS MUCH RAIN. Rain at night time, while I’m sleeping. My sinuses are terrible and when it rains my head wants to explode. This is not fun for me. My boyfriend also works outside so he needs warm weather and no rain in order to make money. We are so broke.
Okay…complaining over 🙂

Anyways……
I’ve been having some real crazy dreams now that I’m weaning myself off my meds. They are quite vivid and sometimes very scary! I’m also noticing that it doesn’t take very long for things to go back to normal for me. By normal I mean, me being a huge bitch when I shouldn’t be. I have a really short temper again, and seem to be snapping for no reason. This is one of those things I need to continue to work on every single day. This is the reason I need to take up yoga or meditation. I need to relax. Up until now I haven’t been the kind of person who thinks before they react. I just react. I’m a passionate person, what can I say? I’m working on it. Other then that, the weaning is going well. Fingers crossed that it stays that way!

My boyfriend and I went to a BBQ at my parents house the other night and I told my mom I was going off of my medication. I’ve already told my dad and he seemed very supportive of it. My dad hates medication. My mom started to ask me all these questions about why I was taking them in the first place – as if she wasn’t there when I was in highschool and was self harming. It made me pretty angry and upset. She kept asking me why I felt I needed them in the first place. I just said “because I need them”. It’s hard to explain, especially to people that just aren’t going to get it. I was also pretty confused because when I told her I was going to start taking them a year ago, we talked about it and she seemed to understand and agree that I probably should have been on them for a long time. I’ve been depressed since I was about 17. It’s exhausting having to feel like crap almost every day of your life. Not all day, everyday – but everyday. I waited so long before going on antidepressants because I didn’t like the idea of having to be on medication in order to feel “better” (and I still don’t). I just got to a point where I was too tired of fighting it. I was too tired of denying the fact that I had a problem that I couldn’t control on my own. I had been trying to deal with things and I had seen numerous counselors that I felt I wasn’t “clicking” with, so I wanted to take a break. I wanted an easier solution. It’s hard to live like this every day, but I know that I need to be patient. I need to make a conscious effort to do everything in my power to be successful at being happy, without medication. Challenge accepted! It’s kind of a pride thing too. I feel ashamed that I can’t fix myself. I feel like I should be able to do this because I’m a strong person.

I baked this weekend. Me. Krysta. I BAKED!!! I never bake. I baked pumpkin muffins and carrot muffins. The first batch turned out pretty terrible, but I think I redeemed myself with the 2nd batches. I am on my way to becoming an adult, because I can bake 🙂 Baking is one of the things I can add to the list of things that make me happy!!!

Another thing to add to the list is SHOPPING – but I have no money. Chris and I are so very poor right now. I think I’m still in the initial shock of having to pay rent and groceries (even though I’ve done it before). It always surprises me how much we eat. Well, if I’m being honest – it surprises me how much he eats! In my last relationship where we lived together we bought separate groceries because he thought it would be cheaper for him, and because he barely ate any of the foods I ate – however, if we did eat the same meals I always bought the food for it. One of my friends who lives with her boyfriend pays for groceries every 3rd time they go grocery shopping because her boyfriend eats SO MUCH MORE then she does. I’m not too sure now how I feel about splitting the grocery bill. I want to split it, because I know that’s how things work when you’re in a relationship, right? It’s hard because I eat the same thing almost all the time. I have a routine with my eating now. When I was living on my own before and buying my own groceries it was pretty inexpensive. Now we go grocery shopping once a week and it’s killing me. We don’t buy everything once a week, but we always seem to need more food!! It’s driving me crazy! Where is it all going? We’re going to be living on the streets pretty soon, eating tuna out of the can. I feel like I’m taking on the burden of this on my own. Chris works with his Dad and they operate a Concrete Construction business in town. They make pretty good money – when they are working. Like I said earlier, it’s been raining a lot, so they can’t work. They also only work during the spring and summer months, so he needs to make 12 months of a salary in 6 months time. He went on unemployment this winter for the first time. He usually worked another job in the winter, but he really hated it, so I supported his decision (…okay, I influenced his decision) to quit. Unemployment wasn’t paying him all that well, and he didn’t seem to mind. He never expressed any interest in finding other work for his down time. I’m trying to do the best I can to make extra money. I’m not an Independent Consultant for PartyLite Canada and I’m trying my best to make some extra cash from that. I don’t feel he’s making the same effort. I’m afraid to bring it up because I don’t know if it’s a reasonable thing to ask him, to get another job. I don’t want him working 70 hour work weeks or anything, but if he had some other income coming in that would be SO MUCH HELP. Especially since we want to buy a house sometime in the near future. Maybe I’ll wait until he’s in a really good mood, and bring it up then. Being an adult sucks sometimes.

 

Cutting Loose

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I’ve decided that it’s time for me to stop taking my antidepressants.
I’ve been taking Venlafaxine (Effexor) for almost a year now. I don’t have any HUGE complaints about it. Overall its been pretty good. I just think I’m one of those lucky people that doesn’t have any crazy reactions to medications. Even when I first started taking it I never experience any nausea, headaches (more then usual), or things like that. The only two areas it has negatively effected me is my weight (I’m almost 95% positive this is to blame), and some “intense” feelings. I’ve read really horrible things about the withdrawal from this medication. Horrible, horrible things. I’m hoping because I’m on a low dose it won’t be too bad.
I’ve been doing some research on the drug and found that a lot of people have complained that it effected their weight. It’s not a type of antidepressant that typically effects it drastically, but there are still cases of course. Since being on the drug I’ve been way more sensitive to certain kinds of foods, and have been retaining water like crazy. I’ve gained about 25 pounds since starting on Venlafaxine, and haven’t changed my eating or exercise habits drastically to cause the weight gain.
There are also times where I feel like I’m sort of having an out of body experience. Everything slows down and seems very unreal (if that makes any sense at all). I also feel as if it has taken all my feelings away. I have emotions, don’t get me wrong, but they are very short lived. My brain seems to be moving a million miles a minute that I don’t have time to process anything properly – everything just is what it is and I go on with my life. That’s not exactly a bad thing, but I would definitely like to get some feeling back into my life.
Overall, I just don’t want to be on any medications anymore. I stopped talking oral contraceptives about a year ago, after being on them for 9 years, because I didn’t want something controlling my body. I was stopping a natural production, and I didn’t feel comfortable with that anymore. I don’t like the idea of drugs anymore. I don’t want anything “artificial” in my system, telling my body what to do or how to act. I’m worried about how this is going to effect my mood though. I’m not going to lie, I’m quite the moody person. I also suffer from anxiety, which has been a relief not to have to deal with since taking my meds. I need to do everything possible to deal with my depression and anxiety without medication.
My boyfriend is a little worried about the outcome as well. Don’t get me wrong, I know he’ll love me through thick and thin – but it’s probably going to get difficult. I’m sure there will be a time period where I’m very overwhelmed, and very irritable. One of the reasons I finally decided to go on antidepressants was because of the way I was acting towards some of my friends and family. I had this horrible attitude that I shouldn’t have had towards them. For no reason I always felt negative and felt like everyone was to blame. I didn’t want to talk and open up, I just wanted to be a bitch to get everyone to leave me alone. It’s going to be hard to adjust at first.
I already exercise and eat well, so that’s one thing that will help me a lot. I’m booking an appointment with a counselor very soon, so that I’m still going to take care of my mood, I’m researching more into massage therapy and acupuncture to help with depression and relaxation, since I have coverage for them through my work, and I’m going to start attending yoga classes at my gym. 
I need to make it my goal, every morning, to be happy. It’s going to be difficult, but I’m confident that I will get this depression under control without using medications.
Wish me luck!

Well, I kind of suck!

Apparently I’m not good at this blogging thing. Pfft!

I’ve still been eating well and exercising frequently to try and get this extra weight off. It’s a lot harder then it was a few years ago. I’ve also come to the conclusion that my medication is somewhat to blame for this. I haven’t been eating like a pig and sleeping every hour of the day, so there is really no reason why I gained an extra 20 pounds! …I’ll keep telling myself that anyways.

I can’t wait for the summer to start!!! The weather is getting warm and Chris and I have been spending time outside – going for walks and talking the dogs to the dog park. It’s been rainy and gloomy during the week, so Chris can’t work. Instead he plays video games and watches TV all day. I’m a little jealous.

One of my good friends is going to have her baby soon! I’m so excited! I haven’t really seen her in awhile, but I still feel like we’re very close. Every since she started dating her boyfriend we haven’t seen very much of each other. They live together, so they spend a lot of time together and then she’ll hang out with him and his friends because he wants to hang out with other people. I took it personally for awhile, but then I got over it. It just is what it is. You can’t stay best of friends with someone forever, right? I mean, there are ups and downs, as with anything else. I’m hoping once she has the baby we’ll be spending more time together. I can go over and help her with the baby, and if her boyfriend goes back to work out of town I’ll be seeing her a lot more often I’m sure.

Good friends are hard to come by these days. It’s not as easy to find them, that’s for sure. It was so much easier when I was in high school to just meet people and create that kind of bond. With work I don’t really chit chat with the other ladies in my office because we’re all doing our own work. It’s also harder as I get older because more people are getting married and having babies. A lot of the time I hear “I have to check with my husband first…” before committing to going out. It’s getting pretty exhausting. Maybe I should put an ad out on craigslist. FRIEND WANTED: Must like country music and wine. The end.

I think my clock is broken.

It’s FRIDAYYYYY!!!!!!!

Today has been such a long day. That’s probably because most of my work is done and I’ve just been looking through old documents and files at work and correcting them/organizing them/playing candy crush – hehehe! I needed to step out and grab myself a pick-me-up! 🙂

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I love my job, I really do – but sometimes I miss being in a more interactive workplace. My last job was absolutely toxic, but at least I got to socialize most of the day. Now I sit in an office and stare at a computer screen the majority of the day. My office is in the back corner, so nobody walks by (unless they are on their way to the bathroom), and my office is the only one without a window. This makes me sad. There is a smaller boardroom that has a window, and I’m secretly hoping it will be transformed into my new office in the next year or so *fingers crossed*

I always wanted to work in an office. I wanted to have my own desk that I could put my own pictures on (I have a beta fish instead because I never take pictures), a filing cabinet, need to sign a bunch of documents and make important phone calls. I guess I’m just not used to it. I worked for three years at a financial institution and I didn’t have my own space or tasks that were assigned to me specifically. I just waited for people to come ask me for some of their money – FUN TIMES!

I need to be more organized. For someone that is obsessed with daily planners, post it notes, and such…I’m not very organized. I buy all this stuff, but then I don’t use them. I just created a TO DO LIST template on my computer and put it in a work binder I have, and I’m hoping I’ll start using it. I spend hours making a planner for myself, and I think I wrote three things in it and now I have no idea where it is, since I moved. FAIL! I want to be one of those organized people. I am not the definition of organized. If you could see my work desk right now you’d see papers all over the place. That’s how I live – in pure chaos. I can only imagine how much more successful I’d be, at pretty much everything, if I was just more organized. I’d probably be more committed to getting my work done and not procrastinating, getting my workouts done and eating healthier, being more successful with my PartyLite business, etc. I at least should give it a try, right?

Happy weekend

xoxo

 

If you’re waiting for a sign…

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I don’t know about you, but I’m one of those people that waits for a sign. I have no idea what that sign really is, but when it happens, I’ll just know. I’m like this when it comes to everything – relationships, work, health and fitness, spending money. My boyfriend actually finds it pretty amusing that when we go shopping, if I see something that I like and it’s the last one left I have to get it because it’s a sign.
On one hand, it’s nice to believe in something. It’s nice to have imaged that if it was meant to be, it would be obvious, and something would point you in that direction. On the other hand – you’re left waiting when you should have just took a chance. If you want something, go after it. If you are waiting to make a decision until you see a sign, then this is it! Put your big girl pants on and GET IT DONE!
Sometimes it’s hard to do things just because you want to. I have spent countless hours over analyzing things because I wanted to see something to give me permission to do something. Where did that whole idea come from anyways? Since when do we feel like we need permission for anything? I should do what I do because I want to, and of course because it wouldn’t harm anyone else directly (I’m not an ass). I hereby give myself permission to do what I want without a sign. No more guilt, no more shame, no more waiting.