Just the worst.

Ooops.

I’m one of those people that has a hard time finishing what they start – blogging for example?
I’ve already tried to write this post several times, and decided it wasn’t good enough, or I was bored with it.

I have a problem.

This is something that effects many different aspects of my life – work, friendships, relationships, my health, etc. It needs to end. Usually I’d make a grand statement about how it will end NOW damnit! But as you can probably guess, from what I just said – I’m a huge failure at following through. I’d like to say I’m slowly getting better.

I look at those people in life who have actually accomplished something they’ve set their mind to and I’m envious. They seem so happy, and so fulfilled. I know that I’m the only reason why I don’t finish what I start, so there is nobody to blame and there is no room for self pity. I think a solution to my issue could be rather then thinking about how boring, or how much work continuing to do something is going to be I should focus on the negative aspects of not finishing it.
For example, if I don’t keep taking my daily vitamin then I’ll continue to be tired and sluggish from not getting the nutrients I need. BAM! Argument well made. Here’s hoping it works.

I’m the kind of person that loves to plan things. I love writing things down on a to do list, but do you think I do them? NO. I’m content with the feeling of having good intentions. It’s kind of exhausting and getting to the point where I’m just disappointed in myself and unmotivated to do anything because I know I won’t finish it.

I’ve started this ‘100 happy days’ task on my Facebook page – every day, for 100 days, I post something that makes me happy! I’m half way through and I haven’t missed a day yet (except when I didn’t have cell service or computer access). I feel pretty accomplished so far, and can’t wait to get to day 100!

Baby steps I suppose…

…Rain Rain, Go AWAY

It’s raining AGAIN! Yuck.
I love the smell of rain, and splashing in the puddles with my boots on, and when everything looks all “clean” afterwards – but common now. It’s been raining for the past few days and it’s dragging me down! Last summer it rained almost every weekend, which meant I didn’t get to do much. This summer I need to do stuff. I need to go camping, and go for walks with the dogs, get a sun tan, have a BBQ. I need to NOT HAVE THIS MUCH RAIN. Rain at night time, while I’m sleeping. My sinuses are terrible and when it rains my head wants to explode. This is not fun for me. My boyfriend also works outside so he needs warm weather and no rain in order to make money. We are so broke.
Okay…complaining over 🙂

Anyways……
I’ve been having some real crazy dreams now that I’m weaning myself off my meds. They are quite vivid and sometimes very scary! I’m also noticing that it doesn’t take very long for things to go back to normal for me. By normal I mean, me being a huge bitch when I shouldn’t be. I have a really short temper again, and seem to be snapping for no reason. This is one of those things I need to continue to work on every single day. This is the reason I need to take up yoga or meditation. I need to relax. Up until now I haven’t been the kind of person who thinks before they react. I just react. I’m a passionate person, what can I say? I’m working on it. Other then that, the weaning is going well. Fingers crossed that it stays that way!

My boyfriend and I went to a BBQ at my parents house the other night and I told my mom I was going off of my medication. I’ve already told my dad and he seemed very supportive of it. My dad hates medication. My mom started to ask me all these questions about why I was taking them in the first place – as if she wasn’t there when I was in highschool and was self harming. It made me pretty angry and upset. She kept asking me why I felt I needed them in the first place. I just said “because I need them”. It’s hard to explain, especially to people that just aren’t going to get it. I was also pretty confused because when I told her I was going to start taking them a year ago, we talked about it and she seemed to understand and agree that I probably should have been on them for a long time. I’ve been depressed since I was about 17. It’s exhausting having to feel like crap almost every day of your life. Not all day, everyday – but everyday. I waited so long before going on antidepressants because I didn’t like the idea of having to be on medication in order to feel “better” (and I still don’t). I just got to a point where I was too tired of fighting it. I was too tired of denying the fact that I had a problem that I couldn’t control on my own. I had been trying to deal with things and I had seen numerous counselors that I felt I wasn’t “clicking” with, so I wanted to take a break. I wanted an easier solution. It’s hard to live like this every day, but I know that I need to be patient. I need to make a conscious effort to do everything in my power to be successful at being happy, without medication. Challenge accepted! It’s kind of a pride thing too. I feel ashamed that I can’t fix myself. I feel like I should be able to do this because I’m a strong person.

I baked this weekend. Me. Krysta. I BAKED!!! I never bake. I baked pumpkin muffins and carrot muffins. The first batch turned out pretty terrible, but I think I redeemed myself with the 2nd batches. I am on my way to becoming an adult, because I can bake 🙂 Baking is one of the things I can add to the list of things that make me happy!!!

Another thing to add to the list is SHOPPING – but I have no money. Chris and I are so very poor right now. I think I’m still in the initial shock of having to pay rent and groceries (even though I’ve done it before). It always surprises me how much we eat. Well, if I’m being honest – it surprises me how much he eats! In my last relationship where we lived together we bought separate groceries because he thought it would be cheaper for him, and because he barely ate any of the foods I ate – however, if we did eat the same meals I always bought the food for it. One of my friends who lives with her boyfriend pays for groceries every 3rd time they go grocery shopping because her boyfriend eats SO MUCH MORE then she does. I’m not too sure now how I feel about splitting the grocery bill. I want to split it, because I know that’s how things work when you’re in a relationship, right? It’s hard because I eat the same thing almost all the time. I have a routine with my eating now. When I was living on my own before and buying my own groceries it was pretty inexpensive. Now we go grocery shopping once a week and it’s killing me. We don’t buy everything once a week, but we always seem to need more food!! It’s driving me crazy! Where is it all going? We’re going to be living on the streets pretty soon, eating tuna out of the can. I feel like I’m taking on the burden of this on my own. Chris works with his Dad and they operate a Concrete Construction business in town. They make pretty good money – when they are working. Like I said earlier, it’s been raining a lot, so they can’t work. They also only work during the spring and summer months, so he needs to make 12 months of a salary in 6 months time. He went on unemployment this winter for the first time. He usually worked another job in the winter, but he really hated it, so I supported his decision (…okay, I influenced his decision) to quit. Unemployment wasn’t paying him all that well, and he didn’t seem to mind. He never expressed any interest in finding other work for his down time. I’m trying to do the best I can to make extra money. I’m not an Independent Consultant for PartyLite Canada and I’m trying my best to make some extra cash from that. I don’t feel he’s making the same effort. I’m afraid to bring it up because I don’t know if it’s a reasonable thing to ask him, to get another job. I don’t want him working 70 hour work weeks or anything, but if he had some other income coming in that would be SO MUCH HELP. Especially since we want to buy a house sometime in the near future. Maybe I’ll wait until he’s in a really good mood, and bring it up then. Being an adult sucks sometimes.

 

I think my clock is broken.

It’s FRIDAYYYYY!!!!!!!

Today has been such a long day. That’s probably because most of my work is done and I’ve just been looking through old documents and files at work and correcting them/organizing them/playing candy crush – hehehe! I needed to step out and grab myself a pick-me-up! 🙂

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I love my job, I really do – but sometimes I miss being in a more interactive workplace. My last job was absolutely toxic, but at least I got to socialize most of the day. Now I sit in an office and stare at a computer screen the majority of the day. My office is in the back corner, so nobody walks by (unless they are on their way to the bathroom), and my office is the only one without a window. This makes me sad. There is a smaller boardroom that has a window, and I’m secretly hoping it will be transformed into my new office in the next year or so *fingers crossed*

I always wanted to work in an office. I wanted to have my own desk that I could put my own pictures on (I have a beta fish instead because I never take pictures), a filing cabinet, need to sign a bunch of documents and make important phone calls. I guess I’m just not used to it. I worked for three years at a financial institution and I didn’t have my own space or tasks that were assigned to me specifically. I just waited for people to come ask me for some of their money – FUN TIMES!

I need to be more organized. For someone that is obsessed with daily planners, post it notes, and such…I’m not very organized. I buy all this stuff, but then I don’t use them. I just created a TO DO LIST template on my computer and put it in a work binder I have, and I’m hoping I’ll start using it. I spend hours making a planner for myself, and I think I wrote three things in it and now I have no idea where it is, since I moved. FAIL! I want to be one of those organized people. I am not the definition of organized. If you could see my work desk right now you’d see papers all over the place. That’s how I live – in pure chaos. I can only imagine how much more successful I’d be, at pretty much everything, if I was just more organized. I’d probably be more committed to getting my work done and not procrastinating, getting my workouts done and eating healthier, being more successful with my PartyLite business, etc. I at least should give it a try, right?

Happy weekend

xoxo

 

If you’re waiting for a sign…

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I don’t know about you, but I’m one of those people that waits for a sign. I have no idea what that sign really is, but when it happens, I’ll just know. I’m like this when it comes to everything – relationships, work, health and fitness, spending money. My boyfriend actually finds it pretty amusing that when we go shopping, if I see something that I like and it’s the last one left I have to get it because it’s a sign.
On one hand, it’s nice to believe in something. It’s nice to have imaged that if it was meant to be, it would be obvious, and something would point you in that direction. On the other hand – you’re left waiting when you should have just took a chance. If you want something, go after it. If you are waiting to make a decision until you see a sign, then this is it! Put your big girl pants on and GET IT DONE!
Sometimes it’s hard to do things just because you want to. I have spent countless hours over analyzing things because I wanted to see something to give me permission to do something. Where did that whole idea come from anyways? Since when do we feel like we need permission for anything? I should do what I do because I want to, and of course because it wouldn’t harm anyone else directly (I’m not an ass). I hereby give myself permission to do what I want without a sign. No more guilt, no more shame, no more waiting.

. TGIF

It’s FRIDAY!!! Sweet success! I made it through another week. These weeks coming up are going to be cray-cray!

I’m a bit hung over at work today, not going to lie hehe. I had a Partylite Party at my house last night. Lots of my family showed up, so it was really great. It was my first official “party” since becoming a consultant in November. I had a book party in December, but that doesn’t really count as a “party”. It’s a lot more fun then I thought it would be. I guess you just need the right crowd though. I’m really glad I decided to become a Partylite Consultant. It’s slow going at first, especially since I have a full time job, but I know that if I put more effort into it I’ll get more out of it. It was really effortless to start, and I don’t know what I was so worried about. I guess I just had this fear that I would be risking something, which I wasn’t. It didn’t even cost me anything to start up! My unit leader is super amazing too. I think it’ll be nice to get more successful at it (once I find more candle lovers) and then I can make it a bigger part of my career! I know lots of people who say the products are expensive and blah blah – but in all honesty, they go on sale ALL THE TIME!!! They are also better quality, which is what people want.

Independent Sales jobs have really taken off lately. I feel like every other person I know is selling something independently, or working online. It’s so convenient to be able to stay at your house and earn money! I’m not sure if it’s become so popular because people need more money for the things that they need/want, or if people are just getting too lazy to work outside of their homes.

I can hear the pile of paperwork on my desk calling my name…only 4 more hours until the weekend officially begins for me!!!